The Ultimate Fruits Basket Parody
by Prince-san
Summary: The second installment in my “Ultimate Parody” series, this time focusing on “Fruits Basket”. Akito's appearance is discussed, Naohito loses his patience, Kyo gets Kisa pregnant, and Rin puts Haru in hot water.


**"The Ultimate _Fruits Basket_ Parody" – Kiba Inubake**

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Yup...it's the second installment of the "Ultimate Parody" series.

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**Volume 2: "Omake Theatre: Sex With The Junishi Is Like Bestiality, Only Legal"**

There she sat—quite possibly the manliest of all women…Akito Sohma. She was taking a rest on a park bench, enjoying the crisp morning air. The sun was just beginning to rise, and the birds chirped away, happy as can be.

And then the Dog appeared.

Shigure Sohma turned around the corner, ready to go to his house to sleep off his night of drinking with Ayame and Hatori. Shocked to see Akito, he changed his general direction towards her.

"Akito, I didn't think you'd be out this early," Shigure said, startling Akito.

"Sh-Shigure?!" Akito cried in surprise. "What…what are you doing here?"

"Well, well…" Shigure paused. "I was just about to ask you the same thing." Suddenly, a light bulb shined inside his mischievous mind. "Hey, I've been wanting to ask you something else for a while now, actually…"

Akito slightly cocked her head sideways. "What is it?"

Shigure hesitated before asking, choosing his words carefully.

"…How do you hide your giant rack when you cross-dress?"

* * *

There was a big debate over at the Student Council room. The members were weary from various disputes, which always ended by leading to another discussion. However, Prince Yuki was nowhere to be found.

"Okay…!" Naohito exclaimed, exasperated. "I've had enough of this! Kimi, go look for your brush another time!"

"But Kimi always has her brush! Kimi lost it, and has to find it!" Kimi stated.

"I don't care!!!" He shouted. "Machi, clean up your damn mess and **stop destroying things**!!"

Machi looked down, not saying a word. She clenched her fists and a tear began to roll down her soft cheek.

"And _you_, Kakeru…!!" Naohito singled out, pointing his finger at Flying Pot-kun.

"What? What'd I do?!" Kakeru asked angrily.

"You're always late! And you're never serious and you text your girlfriend during meetings and I'm sick of it!!" Naohito shouted.

The door to their room opened. At last, President Yuki arrived. "Sorry I'm late, I was helping out one of the teachers," Yuki apologized. He took a look around to find every one of his classmates at their limits. Naohito was at everyone's throat…as usual. "Uh…what's going on?"

"Oh, Yun-Yun, it's terrible!" Kakeru said, feigning a 'damsel in distress' tone. "Chibi-suke's being mean and yelling at us!" He pretended to cry on Yuki's shoulder.

"Get off me, you idiot…" Yuki brushed him off his upper body and walked over to Naohito. "What's wrong, Nao?"

"Kimi's being an insubordinate dumbshit, Machi's breaking all our chalk, and Kakeru's not taking this seriously! It drives me _**crazy**_!!!" Naohito screamed.

"Has anyone seen Kimi's brush?" Kimi asked for the 17th time this day, putting her finger to her open mouth and looking out from the top-left corner of her eye, like a Californian blonde who just goes to high school to get to know boys.

"Arrrgh, I can't take it anymore!!!" Naohito finally snapped and jumped out the window. The sound of glass shattering filled the room and emptied through the now-open window.

Yuki blinked. "…He does know we're on the first floor, doesn't he?"

* * *

Tohru was on a nature walk. Accompanying her were Kyo and Yuki, because they couldn't bring themselves to be left alone with the other Zodiac member. So instead of being together alone, they'd be with Tohru…together.

"Ahh, it's so nice out this morning!" Tohru exclaimed after yawning, taking in the beautiful scenery around her. "Don't you think so?" She turned around to face her two "bodyguards", they had told her when they asked to go walking with her. Tohru flashed her famous closed-eye smile.

"Yeah…" Kyo agreed, turning away, seeming to be uncomfortable.

Yuki looked toward Kyo. "Something wrong, idiot?"

"Oh, come on, that was just uncalled for!!" Kyo shouted.

However, Tohru looked past the insult. "Kyo? _Is_ there something wrong?" She looked concerned.

"What…? N-no! It's just…" Kyo sighed, looking down. "It's just…do you remember how Kisa would always stray over to our house at night looking for me when only Shigure was still up?" Tohru nodded. "Well…"

"…I think Kisa might've gotten herself pregnant while I was asleep."

* * *

"What exactly were you doing before you came here?" Hatori asked Haru, Rin holding onto him tightly. Hatsuharu Sohma had been feeling weird this past day, so he decided to go to Hatori's house.

"Well, I went over to Rin's house this morning, and we wanted to do something to commemorate New Year's, so she was going to give me another ear piercing," replied Haru. Chinese New Year was just yesterday.

"All right… I see you ended up getting it," Hatori said, referring to the white cotton pad taped to his fellow Zodiac member's ear. "Were the materials you used sterilized before you used them?"

Rin's eyes widened. "…Oops."

Hatsuharu gaped. "You pierced me with dirty tools?!"

"I'm sorry! I forgot!" Rin cried. She had been using them for…sexual things…

"Well, I'll just sample your blood…" Hatori said, poking Haru with a sharp needle. "I'll be back in a few minutes." The Sohma doctor left the room to do tests on Haru's blood. In the meantime, Haru and Rin were exchanging fearful glances.

Hatori had come back moments later. "Haru…it's not good…" He rubbed his forehead. "I don't know how to tell you this, but…"

"…You have AIDS." **–End of story!**

**

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**Well, well... It was hard making this for _Fruits Basket_; not like _Death Note_. But, I got it done, so you're welcome.

Oh yeah, I didn't have Haru mention this, but he and Rin had sex after the piercing, so Haru's not alone with this. ;)


End file.
